Oof.

I'm back from San Juan Capistrano, on possibly one of the craziest weeks I've ever had *in a good way*.

I won't drone on about the trip, I'll just say that even with some shakey stuff going on it was a succsessful trip and it's all thanks to God. I made some new 'connections' with people that I had never really taken the time to get to know before, and I've diffenatley made some new friends (and fans! haha).

I've been worrying an awful lot. Not about the trip, or BBC, or even my family. I've been worrying about something that I've never been worried about before. Myself.

The night that... I was told, I had a dream. I terrifying dream. I drempt of killing Avery. It was scary, I had never drempt of anything like that. I just brutally killed him. And it was very realistic, even more realistic than my dreams tend to be. I really started worrying that morning, and just went the opposite way. I tried to just feel love for him, not hate. It didn't work, as soon as I got into the car that night I just cried. I screamed and shouted curses. I hate him so much. That night I had another dream, and I have had nothing but dreams about killing him every night save one. Almost all day I think about either the dream or just him. I think about how much I will enjoy his suffering when he is being punished, and how if I were ever to see him again, I would share with him all the hate that I have in a painful and horrible way.
I cry several times a day, at seemingy ran

I've been confining myself to a solitary shell, not opening up almost at all. I am suspicious of everyone that I trust- that they all hide some secret or have stabbing me family in the back, and therefore I have trouble making more friends that I can trust on any level.

Whenever something good happens my immeadiate reaction is to call Avery and tell him about it. Then I remember, then I get frustrated, and then I start to either cry or just sit and mope.

I'm losing my mind. I have never been this way before.