When I first heard this song by Dredg, it was hard to keep my tears from just falling.

I wonder while I'm running around again
I took my chances
I may have lost my best friend
Yeah I wonder
Like sprinting on a frozen pond..I took my chances
I may have lost my best friend

A couple of drinks mid-day mid-day mid-day
Haven't felt this way this way since yesterday
A couple of drinks I sway I sway I sway
Haven't felt this way since yesterday


He was the best friend I ever had. Hands down. 2 years of getting into more touble then we could imagine, and then 2 years of pushing him towards God with all my strength. It took me so long, but I think that I finally started mourning. I had the best possible friendship I could have with a non-believer. It was edifying for me, it was productive for him. It gave me meaning, it gave me strength, and it gave me some stories that I will be telling for the rest of my life. Good stories.

Today, the Probation Officer called. She's a very nice woman. She told me that Avery's court date was tomarrow... It's all over now. He's getting sentenced, and I'll never have to deal with it. She told me to relay a message. Avery's little sister, Rose, misses Mariana, my little sister. They never seemed to like eachother, they were always fighting, but Rose did not have many other friends (she was the biggest pain a girl could be). I don't think Avery had a better friend then me, in fact, I know he didn't. He didn't have any friends other than Ben and Ally until he was 8. There was a time when Avery and I were inseperable. He Helped me Help Geoff build cabinets. I still have red stains on that shirt from the paint.

He must miss me. I feel so bad. I feel like I abandoned him. All he has now are his Magic cards, his D&D books, his stupid hair, that hat we bought for 5 pesos, and his memories. And what did I do? I sent his mother an email, I threatened her and said some awful things that I don't think I've said in a long time.

I felt like it was all that I could say. It isn't. The day after I send this letter, I miss him, more than before. I don't just miss having a best friend, I miss HIM. I miss his smell, the hole in his front tooth, and that freaking hat. And I care for him. Still. I want more than anything for things to be the way they were (without the molesting part) between him and I. And the fact is that that will never happen. Even if we become friends again, or meet, it will not be the same. It will be different. I hate that. I just want to kick chickens with my best friend, I want to make up details to some ridiculus tale, and have him remind me it was even more ridiculus than I had said it was, I want to play Magic: The Gathering beside the fire again. He's a creative, funny, smart and imaginative scoundral, and I will never spend another minute with him again. I hope I can find it in my heart to forgive him someday.