(edited twice)
My testimony has been a hard one to figure out. The time at which I accepted Christ was a very confusing time for me, and I barely remember it at all.
I was on 2 kinds of medications for my anger, which was at it's very peak, and learning disabilities at the time of my turnover. Prozac was to reduce anxiety, but it did nothing of the sort. It simply added more to my misery. All I could think when I was alone was that I was not in control of my own life- the medicine was. No, it wasn't the medicine, it was what the meds were for that was in control, and I hated it. I hated the fact that I was not only responsible for losing control, if I was in control, it wasn't really control. My unhealthy and dangerous desires to strike out in anger were in control, and I was emotionally unstable to an insane degree. The other medication was to decrease my chronic ADD, I wanted to make it look like it wasn't working, so I tried to work around it in order to distract myself. The doctors only uped the dosage.
At the Home Schooler's conference, 2003, august 23rd, there were these kids playing spin the bottle in a secluded part of the hotel that was hosting the conference. I decided to join in, because I was incredibly naive at the time. There were 2 boys and 4 girls. This spin the bottle was different, someone had bought a 'party edition' of spin the bottle. The bottle chose the couple that kissed/etc, not a person who chose to kiss/etc another person. It spun to myself, and someone else (a girl) several times. We ended up making out after the game, before I had to go back to my hotel room, shower and go to sleep.
That last story isn't something I'm proud of, and until about an hour afterwards I was actually quite pleased with myself thanks to my 14 year old hormones. Then the Questions spun in my head about the morallity of what was going on, and wether or not I was getting anywhere by doing that kind of thing, I thought while I was taking a shower. I knew that the boy who had brought the game was my friend Kate's cousin, and I had heard stories about the kind of person that he was. That he would smoke and drink, and play sexual games at parties and would always be making trouble for his parents, and I remember thinking that I did not want to be that kind of person. I wanted to be out of that whole school o'thought. I could feel myself getting closer to it by association. How do I escape the evils of the world? How do I become a new person, that won't be a slave to my own desires? I obviously could not do it alone, I had failed at that. I actually wanted to do things that I thought were wrong. I wanted that to change. It takes a jump to change a person, a big one. Most of the time they do not even change, they just do different things and find other ways to appropriate their sin. How can I change what I want, and what I am?
I rememebered back to something James Tori had said one sunday morning, he said that the evils of the world were escaped the same way that hell was, through Jesus Christ. He had said by doing the works of God I would become a new person. Doing what God wants would make me want what God wants. I asked for God to change my heart for his good that night. I wanted the holy spirit to work in me. (Re-Birthday, August 23rd, 2003)
The next day at the conference was weird. I was a new creation, but I still wanted to sin. I met with the girl that I had madeout with, and we madeout again. I had told myself that
this was my last 'go' at it. I would never do this kind of thing again, I would simply abuse a little loop hole of redemption. Come back to it later.
I did not just makeout with this girl, with whom I am still friends with today. We talked about life, and things etc. for hours (I went to lectures at the conference too! lol). She told me about her problem with eating shrimp. She loved it, but was allergic, and because she ate much of it anyway, it would take longer and longer until her system was clean enough to start allergy therapy so that she could eat shrimp without consequences.
This was a sign from God, but I ignored it because I was still very afraid to let go. It fit immeadatley into my own problem, in a way. I wanted to do things that were bad for me, regret them afterwards, and then say that I'd have a better 'gap' between sins afterward, instead of flying for the full healing. And from time to time, I still find myself doing that exact pattern, even almost 2 years later (which I think is a long time), and that is not the way that I want to live at all (which is why it's not worse than already is). That is my advice for you all, do not think that you can eat only one potato chip of sin and not want one even more after the second chip. Desire grows, and I know this personally. Even after this realization, I would still meet with that girl regularly and we would kiss and do borderline things, (gropeing etc). Each time I would tell myself that I would cut it all off just after this one little taste. Just after I had felt the soft hand of temptation, would want to be let go? No. I would tell myself that tomarrow I would make that commitment. The rest of that day was spent in guilt and thought. That night I talkied to my friend Kate, who I had known for a few years, about what I had 'discovered'. She did not understand entirely. So I told her the gospel, and she beleived it. She had no which way to go in her life, even with her amazing gifts and talents she knew that she wasn't enough to even live up to her own expectations. What meaning did her life have without God?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would still meet with my new 'girlfriend' few days or weekly for a while. I started Drumming in worship cafe in September 03, which kept me busy on God. But that did not last very long. In october I was with her every saturday and sunday afternoon. I liked her a lot, but it seemed like I was simply going for the affection that I did not get anywhere else. We were friends that madeout, and it ment next to nothing when I really thought about it. The only reason that that cycle stoped was becasue she moved to Kern County (she told me at Great America, in october, which is when the curse of great america started). And it is much like Matthew chapter five when Christ says to cut off the sinful part because it is better to lose the comfort of sin then to have it and risk consequences. Romans 6:23 tells of what sin will bring.
I was not with her because I loved her, I was with her because I wanted affection. It was an empty relationship.Making a full chop off of what is wrong is not what I would recommend as a last resort, for by then you will have given up part yourself only for it to be ripped away. When you grow attched to sin, it is like growing attached to superglue. When the superglue comes off it will tare at your skin, and hurt like crazy. When sin comes off your heart, it will rip and pull like hell, and that is not something that I want anyone to have to go through. Sin is a wood cane of the termites, 10 minutes of air in 11 minutes of water and an incapatable CD burner and writing program. It is failure, and investing in failure is insanity.
Cut out your sin. Go cold turkey. Do not let sin take away your life.
