I started school yesterday, or, Monday, the 25th of Spetember. This Quarter I am taking many more classes then normal:

Music 3a----5 units
History------5 units
Astronomy/lab-6 units
Voice/lab----2 units
Jazz band?---2 units
Jazz Band Lab?- 2 units

Total Units: 18/22

If I get all As, then I will have a perfect transferable transcript(meaning that UCs and most private schools will see that I have a 4 point 0), a total 3.83333 in overall college, and a mass total life long GPA of 3.999

Wow...

Over the past few months I have been really down.

I mean, I really went through a lot these past summer, but a lot of it was good. I found how hard it is to really live for Jesus in the hard times. There were times when I just didn't want to get up and serve. I felt to broken and pathetic to serve. I felt like sleeping in on Sunday mornings many times... like I was so spiritually broken. My joy completely sucked away. But that is why I got out of bed. God wants better than that for me. He wants me to look to him for my fulfillment. Thats why I kept on trying, I had nothing else to do. God was doing everything I needed, I beleive that. I know that God was stretching me and molding me, making me a better person throught this experirance, which is why I didn't go with my instincts and just quit. God is at the end of the rope- the shoelace, if you will. He makes the whole thing work, I need to have faith, even in the hardest parts.

I listened to this song about 6 zillgillion times. It means a lot to me right now, he's why:

Precious and fragile things - Friendships with non-beleivers
Need special handling
My God what have we done to you
We always tried to share - I tried to do something I couldn't and did it as carefully as possible
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put you through - it's all my fault

Things get damaged- I should have expected this
Things get broken - I even knew it would happen, but I had hoped it would have hurt me instead
I thought we'd manage - I could have taken it, but when you did it to someone else I couldn't
But words left unspoken - maybe if you came for help it it would have been okay.
Left us so brittle - I have no friendship for you anymore
There was so little left to give - I can't give you anything more

Angels with silver wings - little girls
Shouldn't know suffering - should go through that
I wish I could take the pain for you - I feel the pain that you have. I feel the pain that my sister will feel. I wish it was mine alone.
If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through - I don't want you to perish in the fire. That is why I was your friend. I wanted you to know the true goodness of God. I hope that that is God's plan for you.

Things get damaged - I thought it would still work
Things get broken - that this was an everyday occurance.
I thought we'd manage - We could still be friends, but
But words left unspoken - my heart said otherwise
Left us so brittle- there was no way
There was so little left to give - I could ever talk to you again

I pray you learn to trust - I want you to repent
Have faith in both of us- don't hate me
And keep room in your hearts for two - accept Jesus or you will die

Things get damaged - I am really shook up
Things get broken - My heart is broken
I thought we'd manage - I try to move on
But words left unspoken - but I have no closure
Left us so brittle - I am so weak
There was so little left to give - I can't give anymore

Removing Sin.

God has been very straight forward in my life about removing my sin. When I wasn't in a godly relationship he removed me from it, and when I was trapt inmy own anger he gave me no other choice.

Romans Chapter 1:

²⁴Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. ²⁵They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

²⁶Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. ²⁷In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

In these verses, God gave the sinners what they wanted. They wanted Sin, if you read back in the Chapter these people knew the glory of God, but still chose their perverted wants.

I think that this could apply for all sins. I have seen it apply in my own life to things other than sexual desire. For example, violence. When I was in Baseball, there was a fist fight staring me and whoever wanted a peice of me after almost every game. I was extremely talented (and about 6 inches taller than all the other players, basically I walloped everyone constantly) and many kids were jealous- a few were in fact told to attack me by their PARENTS. I would never restrain myself. Like in the game, my oppenent was messed up. I thought it was awesome. At the time, I knew the power of not giving in and tarring kids up- it had given me new friends and allies, but I never stopped smacking them around when they asked for it. One day, I got into a fight with an umpire, Bobby Darrell. He was a little bigger, but I had him pinned. I was not letting up, even though he wanted me too. Soon, his umpire buddies cam and smacked me around. Most of them 2 or 3 years older then me. I was handed over to what I wanted. Violence. After that, my rep was damaged slightly and I had a black eye.

Don't let yourself go into your sns. Chose God's glory over your sin.

The day we were heading to Survival Camp, Bobby gave a short message. One of his points was that the Bible commands us all to Love God with all of our Hearts. He asked everyone who could say they do that to raise their hand. No one did. I knew as soon as he said the verse refrence that I could not say I uphold the greatest commandment.

When I first became a Christian I was thrown into a rather sticky situation, and I was too weak to know how to use the almighty unsticker, God. It seems that as soon as that burden was lifted, I saw a new life. Like my whole world had turned into a straight arrow straight to God. When I first felt that relief and energy, it was like a small pinch in my chest, yet I was full of breath. It was a feeling of pure energy, it lasted for almost 6 months the first time it seemed. And that is what I felt tonight at teen ministers. I felt like I was in that 'happy place' again.

I hope it lasts.

-love you all,
Drew

Dreaming is normally what people do to esscape. They dream inorder to be somewhere else, in a small world created by their own imagination that they can play in. These kinds of dreams that the dreamer has full control over what are called 'Lucid' dreams. My dreams are incredible realistic, and that makes Lucid dreams very interesting for me. I can do what I want with what seems to be normal physical boundries, and in pure freedom. It's like being set loose on the world with no consequences. I can go to a store and steal candy, burn houses down, fly airplanes without paying. It's all good.

From the night of Friday May 13th until the night of Tuesday September 8th my dreams were taken from me. I had 100% control over each one, until a certain point. At that Point, Avery would appear, perhaps say a brief statement, then in any possible way, I would kill him. I had these Dreams for 109 nights, and then, on the 110th night, I had a dream so horrible that I woke up because of how fast my heart was racing. For the past week, my dreams were all like that, so awful that they woke me up at odd times, and only a few times could I sleep again afterwards. Each dream had Avery hurting someone I love in horrible ways. Friends of mine, family members, but all have been girls. Each time I see him doing that, I totally mess him up. Punching, kicking, stabbing, shooting. I win the fight, but he damages me. It makes me suffer, and it is very realistic.

I've been reading through the Bible about dreams and preminitions and what not. I can say because it's not a consistant enough idea, they're not preminitions, but that doesn't mean they aren't meaningful. The dream the catches my attention was Nebuchadnezzar's dream in Daniel. Not the Dream itself, but the fact that Daniel didn't have to hear the Dream to interpret it. He already knew the Dream.
In the Story of Joseph, Joseph needs to hear the Dream and then he interprets it, but at the time very few people could do such a thing anyway. In Daniel's time, there seemed to be many groups of people who claimed to be able to do this. And today, in our time, there seem to be hundreds of dream interpretation methods. Some are scientific, and consistant with personal fact; others are just stupid. There's many religions and beleifs centered around Dreams, all of those are 100% wrong of course, other than our own. The book of Revelation is a Dream, but I could not find any similarities other than perhaps severely vivid images between my Dream and that Dream.
I have looked through old copies of Freud's book, and online at Stanford University's dream studies, and so far, I have found nothing like my Dreams. There are a few recurring dream accounts that have lasted weeks, and sometimes even years, but I cannot find anything about Dream's with consistant themes recurring.

There is only one more option that I have to explore. My dream's are a manifestation of new feelings each night. That is a disturbing thought, that for 120 days each night I have a new found hate and desire to hurt him. Each night I am afraid of how he will effect my life daily even though I have not talked to him in 120 days. Each night I see how I abondoned him and betrayed him myself, leaving his fresh mangled corpse in the back of my mind.

I realized something the otherday, a good friend of mine said that he worried about me. I hadn't thought until now that I was worrying other people. I always considered myself sort of an invincable tag team with the Holy Spirit, and therefore I don't really worry too much about myself. But when other people start worrying about the invincable tag team's lower member, I feel like it becomes my duty to worry. And if I actually look beside myself for a second, I can see why people worry. I'm a wreck. I'm moody, depressing, and my personal hygene hasn't been up to 'snuff' (sorry!). Just yesterday I had a small outburst on my grandma. I told William, my little brother, he was being an idiot and shouldn't Draw in MY BOOKs. My grandmum then told me I should bully other people to get my way. This surprised me, considering this various ironies surrounding her statement. I yelled at her and told her to leave me alone. That was maybe the first time I yelled at her or any parent figure in a year (other than my dad, but he's deaf as a scotish xylopohonist). It seems like I may as well be falling apart at the seams.

I propose a challenge, if anyone can tell me my dream on the night of September 8th, 2005, I will give them a cookie, and if anyone can interpret it, 2 cookies.

I'm not quite sure whats going to happen tomorrow. I may have to take a shift with Mariana. And by shift, I'll be playing it out for 18 hours to 2 days. I want to take a shift, let my mom stay here at home for a while. I cannot stand her not being here. It makes me nuts. I'm just watching my sisters and brother all day, and they seem misrable without my mom.

Over the past couple years, since Mariana has been ill like this, the illness has become her idol. It's nearly all she talks about, it has taken priority in her life over every other issue. She only buys food that Mariana can eat with a few exceptions. Not to say I mind, I eat out enough to stay with a very veritile diet, but William is very thin because of the lack of fat in our house, and Jette and Ellie flip out amd gorge when presented with Sweets.
Mariana's illness is known as Mastocytosis.

Mastocytosis is a rare disease characterised by an increase in mast cells number. Mast cells play an important role in the self-defence of the human body. Mastocytosis patients, however, have too many of them. The cells react to 'triggers' (in food, for example) by releasing chemicals, which cause symptoms that depend on the part of the body where the mast cells are. This makes mastocytosis a very 'personal' disorder: what is true for one patient will not necessarily hold for another.
Mariana has an advanced form of it that is in less than two percent of all patients. She has the Bone Marrow version of that paticular form, which is about as rare as being hit by a meteorite. Masotcytosis has only 40,000 'victims'. Just to give some perspective.

I confirmed this by going to a lot of Masto-research sites. Out of the 70 cases in the USA like Mariana's, there have been 60 that have caused the blood cancer known as Leukemia. Those cases are very similar to Mariana's. There're cures for Leukemia, but not for blood marrow Leukemia. Normally, it doesn't turn into Leukemia for decades. But, Mariana's condition is severely advanced. Most people who struggle with the syndrome are 30 to 40. At this rate, I'll predict that if it does turn into Leukemia, it will within the next 9 months. There is no cure for Blood Marrow Leukemia. there is treatment, but the treatment has never actually worked on a Mastocytosis patient for more than a few months. Mariana doesn't know. She has no idea that it can turn into Leukemia. I don't know if my mother knows, but... it would explain her exsessive worrying more than anything. One ray of hope is that She has more Gastro-Intestinal symptoms than Bone Marrow symptoms, it could be that the Gastro stuff causes the bone marrow stuff.

I've really struggled to accept this. I can't imagine her dieing. I really can't. I don't think I'd miss anyother family member more then her or Ellie. She could die. Not just explode in a reaction like she normally does. She could start to die. It just wouldn't be something I look forward too.

-Drew

What a week.
My parents have both gone AWOL, to work and be with my sister as much as possible. MY mom has not been home since Monday, and it's been my job to make sure everything is run smoothly around here. My grandma and sister are a big help.

But I'm not. I'm a depressed, foolish, angry mess. I feel like snapping. Like I want to snap, and just go and explode. I want to find someone that I dislike and just beat the living daylights out of them. No one in particular, though I have a few prefrences, but... that wouldn't be a wise choice.

On Wednesday morning, at 3am, I woke up in a cold sweat. I saw my pile of laundry infront of me. However, I didn't think it was laundry. I had just woken up from a dream that was indescribably horrific. It was vivid, scary, intense, and very realistic, like all of my dreams. Normally, they don't bother me, mosttimes they are ironic and funny (though not lately). This one was very different. Even more different than the dreams I have been having nightly for the past 112 days, which have all been about finding myself in a possistion where Avery and I met, and after perhaps a word or two is spoken I kill him using utmost violence and force. He most of time wil become a limp doll with which I can do whatever I feel like at the time. I've found some rather practical ways to kill someone. Each time it is like this he screams and begs for mercy. I never listen to what he says... Sometimes, rarely, he'll fight back. Thats when things get very scary and awful. I wake up in the middle of the night everytime, and I cannot force myself back to sleep.

You can see my new dream. It's on my myspace as #6 in my blog.

My sister's operation was a success, by the way.

Mariana's surgery schedual was changed to 8am.

Thanks for all your prayers and such my friends.
-Your Brotha
Drew